The Good and the Bad

My lingering cold has left me with less energy than normal so I decided to take it easy the other night. I stayed in and watched a movie and flipped through some pictures from India. I looked at the pictures of India that some of my fellow group members had posted. I saw still images of a few things I have not forgotten, for I don’t think I ever could. But I also saw a few things that I guess I just haven’t really thought about since starting a job and trying “move on” with life. These images really hit me. They took me back to those moments and experiences, almost instantaneously.

It’s been the weirdest thing coming back from the India experience. I knew it was going to be a life changing experience. But no matter how we try to prepare for these experiences, no matter how much we know it will change our lives, we can never comprehend the affects of these experiences until after. Even now, months after, I’m still not sure I really comprehend just how much the experience has changed it.

So back to the pictures, looking at some of these pictures I was reminded of some of the hard things in India. Some of the pictures of beggars made me think about the constant, daily turmoil I had with facing them. It made me think of the two beggar women that I passed every day on my walk from my host family’s house to the market. One of the beggars was always kinda grumpy, sometimes rude. The other always with a bright beautiful smile, always saying good morning, some mornings even asking other questions and talking with me. This second woman actually never asked for money. I wrote about her at one point, even in this blog. I had always meant to sit down and talk with her, spend more time with her, but I never did. By the time I finally meant to sit down with her, she had moved some where else.

A lot of people talk about how they have no regrets. I don’t think I really believe that, at least not in the way I look at the word regret. To me, regret means you wish you had done something different. I think because we are human, we will make mistakes. I think because we are human we feel bad about those mistakes. I guess this idea of “having no regrets” doesn’t mean that you don’t wish you’d done something different or that you don’t feel bad, but simply that you have accepted the mistakes and moved on. If nothing else you learned the lessons from those moments and choices and have bettered yourself because of it.

In thinking about the beggars, I wish I had done a few things differently. I wish I had taken better advantage of talking to some people. I wish I had handled some situations better. I wish I understood the things I do now about the experience. But the fact that I made mistakes doesn’t mean I have regrets. I learned so much about myself, so much about the world, so much about life. I have pondered a lot on the mistakes and glories and I am learning to face them all at the same time, to see them work together to create a beautiful picture. When people ask me questions about India, I’m trying to paint them that picture, the ones of my hopes and disappointments, the one of my best and not so best moments, the dark and the light, the good and the bad. This picture itself is like a metaphor of India, a country that doesn’t hide its garbage, that doesn’t hid its poor, that’s doesn’t hid its decaying buildings, that doesn’t even hid the dead. But it also doesn’t hide its good, it doesn’t hide its beauty, it doesn’t hide its history, its friendliness, its curiosity, its traditions, its culture. These pictures remind me of this, of this lesson I learned in India, that sometimes the most beautiful things show the good and the bad, all at the same time.

I had been warned that coming home sometimes the culture shock of coming back home is worse than in the field. I wouldn’t say that mine was worse, but I can definitely say that there was some reentering shock. I was coming back to a world I knew and loved and feel so comfortable in. While my country hadn’t changed, I had. The first few weeks, and maybe even months I struggled with where I fit into the world. I am still an American, and still grateful for all the things that are mine because I am American. But after seeing the things I did, after experiencing the things I did, I don’t completely see things the way many other Americans do, the way that I saw things before. I have learned to come to terms with that good and bad, of myself, of the world, of life. I feel like I see things differently and although it was hard at first, I’m now seeing the beauty and wonders it can bring to see both the good and bad at the same time.

Graduation

My mom, brother and I went up to Provo for the graduation ceremony a few weeks ago. It was quite the interesting experience. Partly due to the fact that I haven't sat in a classroom at BYU in almost a year. My traditional education ended last summer so it seemed strange to be on campus again. But it was also great closure, a great wrap up to 4 years of my life. I feel like it really did end, like my experience came to a proper end.

I posted pictures on facebook, where more people look than here. But I'm putting a few on here as well, as I make a few comments about the experience. Because it is BYU, there was of course a different atmosphere especially with the speakers being Pres. Uchtdorf and Elder Nelson. Pres. Uchtdorf received an honorary degree. When he spoke he laughed and said he felt to blessed and lucky to receive such an honor without going through the hours and hours of work, testing, etc and without having to face a panel of professors whose sole purpose it was to prove he didn’t know something. Unfortunately I did not have a pen to take notes with (which is very unlike me), but I do want to mention a few things I remember. First, all speakers, including Pres. Samuelson, the student speaker, etc. , talked about how at BYU we have gained both a secular and spiritual knowledge. This is something that as students at BYU we realize, but I guess having not taken classes in a year, it was something that reminded me. Elder Nelson shared a story that particularly stressed this point.

Elder Nelson told us a story about when he was in South America. He said they were a big group of doctors out in a mountainous village when one of the other doctors started bleeding from the stomach. He said here we were, a huge group of doctors, who had spent our life studying this, yet there was nothing any of us could do, because we were over a hundred miles from a hospital with the equipment we needed. It seemed as though he would die. The man was LDS and asked for a blessing. Elder Nelson gave the blessing and said when he blessed him he felt to bless him to live. Right after the blessing the man stopped bleeding, and of course, did live. Elder Nelson went on to say that knowledge is good and wonderful, but it can only go so far. Sometimes knowledge alone will not get us through certain experiences.

Also, most alluded to the fact that these are trying economic times. I remember thinking, gee, thanks for the reminder, but I suppose its important to mention as we will all probably get discouraged as we hunt for jobs and what not. I don’t remember who, but someone also said that it’s not about what we majored in or what we learned, but what we become in this life. What that knowledge, what that career does to help us become something. I really enjoyed that, and felt it to be of particular importance since I’m still trying to decide where to go from here.

Easter Sunday

"Brothers and sisters, one of the great consolations of this Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so. His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path—the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved Son, the consummate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil, prophets and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends. All of these and more have been given as companions for our mortal journey because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the Restoration of His gospel. Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are. Truly the Redeemer of us all said, “I will not leave you comfortless. [My Father and] I will come to you [and abide with you].”20 (John 14:18, 23.)

My other plea at Easter time is that these scenes of Christ’s lonely sacrifice, laced with moments of denial and abandonment and, at least once, outright betrayal, must never be reenacted by us. He has walked alone once. Now, may I ask that never again will He have to confront sin without our aid and assistance, that never again will He find only unresponsive onlookers when He sees you and me along His Via Dolorosa in our present day. As we approach this holy week—Passover Thursday with its Paschal Lamb, atoning Friday with its cross, Resurrection Sunday with its empty tomb—may we declare ourselves to be more fully disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, not in word only and not only in the flush of comfortable times but in deed and in courage and in faith, including when the path is lonely and when our cross is difficult to bear. This Easter week and always, may we stand by Jesus Christ “at all times and in all things, and in all places that [we] may be in, even until death,”21 (Mosiah 18:9.) for surely that is how He stood by us when it was unto death and when He had to stand entirely and utterly alone. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpFhS0dAduc
Text: http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1032-27,00.html

Spring has arrived!

Spring has fianlly arrived! Two experiences have brought this beautiful phrase into full force in my little universe. First, baseball season has begun! Ever since I was six years old, not a spring goes by that I do not start to get excited for the impending season. Even the years where I don't have the time to watch the games I'd like or play like I want, just knowing that the games are going on and that the sport is being played by someone somewhere in the world makes me smile. Baseball helps to make the world go round in my universe. In honor of this start, my little brother and I went and played catch and hit the ball around at the park. What a glorious feeling i could not even begin to describe. And I won't, for I might be thought to need some serious help with my love of baseball. But a fun side note, as we're fielding for each other, another player steps onto our "field." A big black and white collie of sorts comes running onto our "field" and starts fielding with my brother. This particular dog was a stunningly gorgeous collie AND was an excellent fieldsman. It was fabulous to have a third player that LOVED to chase the ball.

The second experience came when I was on a drive earlier this week. The blue, blue sky was showing, with just a few hints of white, fluffly clouds. A nice cool breeze (not the whipping, freezing ones we've experienced off and on lately) blew through my hair as I drove with the window rolled down. I wore sunglasses and flip flops in a combo I have so sorely missed. To top it off I listened to Colbie Caillat (and don't say a thing- it is my female prerogative to listen to a few songs like this from time to time), with the image of the beach rolling through my mind. Despite all my frustration with the job hunt and lack of progress in my world, I felt like the world was set aright at that moment. Spring is finally here!

Last week's adventure

The last few months my family has been talking about how we really need to go on a cruise some day. And last week, we got our chance! I have always loved the ocean and it's beautiful underwater life. Here are a few of the underwater pictures I snagged.





A starfish. Who doesn't love a starfish? (And if you don't love it, don't tell me)





Second, we have the sea enenimies. Aren't they so bright and colorful?





Sorry this one is a bit blurry, but look at that pearl!





So a confession here, I got so distracted by the gorgeously colored plant life that I almost missed the Aztec ruins here. And I call myself a history major... Maybe I picked the wrong major (as if the current job hunt hadn't already told me that).







Did I have anyone fooled at all? No really, my family really has talked about going on a cruise some day, but for now we have to be content with the 15 minute Finding Nemo submarine voyage at Disneyland. And for those of your who have not ridden, it is actually quite nice.

A few stories to mention about our trip. During our first couple hours we walked down to Splash Mountain. We've ridden the ride and know that you can come off the ride anywhere from amazingly, desert-like dry to looking like you just stepped out of rainforest. We saw some people getting off and several groups seemed to be pretty dry. It was also a particularly nice day so we found no reason not to take the chance. I volunteered for the front for two reasons. First, you can put your feet up on a little bump at the front. Wet shoes are the worst so I was willing to get wet if I could save my shoes. Second, I am now the shortest in the family, and as I like the visual beauties that the ride contains, sitting in the front is the best view. So off we go to get on the ride. For those of you that have ridden it, you know the first drop inside, right by where Briar Bear is showing off his hinny? Well as we come down that drop, guess what happened? Again, we've ridden this ride before and been soaked before. But this was a whole new experience. The water literally formed a wave wall that came over the top of the log and landed in my lap. It was hilarious, particularly for my siblings right behind me. I too couldn't help but laugh (at least until my pants were still wet hours later...)





A second story actually has nothing to do with the park. We ran to the store to pick up a few things. I don't know how I manage to do it, but on like every other trip I manage to leave my toothbrush at home. Shelby and I are looking at toothbrushes when I hear "senorita, senorita." I turn around and there is this little old lady in a wheelchair pointing up to one of the top shelves. She clearly needed help reaching one of the items. She said "blue" and then a few phrases in Spanish and after a confusing moment, I grabbed the item she wanted and handed it to her. Although it would seem to be quite the minor shopping moment, it reminded me of being in India, of trying to buy things from little street shops without knowing the local dialect at all. Pointing, numbers, and shaking heads yes and no became the key forms of communication. I felt an instant connection with this woman for that small moment simply because I understood what it was like to have that experience, to be somewhere without knowing the local tongue. Although I could not communicate that shared moment to her, I nonetheless left with a pensive spirit.





Ok, just one more moment to share. At California Adventures there is an Aladdin show. It is a fantastic 45 minute mini Broadway musical version of the movie. We've seen it a couple times so we are starting to notice side things you wouldn't notice the first time you see a performance. In Prince Ali's entrance, there was a "camel" from the entourage that was trying to win the attention of a young boy in the front row. Despite the "camel's" efforts, it didn't work. I laughed to myself about this and didn't think much of it. Later that night as we were discussing activities of the day, I realized I wasn't the only one in the family who had noticed this. We were laughing about it and then probably stretched it a bit too far. The following will probably reveal too much about my family's sense of humor, but alas, here I share it anyway. My mom made the comment that the "camel rider" was moving the "camel's" head so much she was afraid it would fall off. I made the comment that it was in the efforts of trying to entertain the sole kid in the front row... We continued down this path and it ended with the question: if camel's head had fallen off into the boy's lap would that child be scared for life? The best part was we laughed the entire journey to this final question.





Anyway, this is far too long, but nonetheless a few moments on the Cowles' family vacation.

A New Day

I haven't posted anything since my time in India because I feel like anything I could write now would pale in comparison. After I'll, I'm a currently unemployed, non-student living back at home in Vegas. But my mind is always circling in thoughts so I thought for now I could at least post some of my swirling thoughts.

As always, movies are one of the most thought provoking experiences to me. I'll share movie thoughts from two movies I saw a couple weeks ago.

Doubt Feb. 14th, 2009

Doubt: the enemy of all religions; the enemy of faith, hope, human relationships. The beginning sermon that the Father in this movie gives opens the world of doubt and allows the audience to begin on the quest of considering doubt’s place in both religion and life.

I really enjoyed the film, and I’ll tell you why. The entire movie is embedded with symbolism. From the red meat the father eats, to the picture of the pope Sister Aloysius hangs up, to the timing of wind and the sound of thunder each and every time it appears, to the light in the office that goes out, to all the little habits of the father to the red door… It seems as though nothing in the movie is there merely for the sake of being there. Everything can be used as a source of doubt to the audience, everything can be used as a source in deciding which side you will be put on, to point to one direction of doubt or the other.

Although the main line of the story follows Sister Aloysius as she tries to prove her suspicions of the father, there is clearly a much deeper question of doubt to the movie, as both the opening and closing scenes make the reader realize the story is about so much more than doubt in this single priest. It brings up a doubt in a man, a doubt in a religion, a doubt in one’s instincts.

The movie does a beautiful job of bringing to life the issues of the day. You see the presence of the 1960s views on women, race, modernity, and religion. Any movie that can successful attempt to incorporate such heavy themes in any amount of accuracy deserves some amount of praise.

It is always interesting when a title consists of a sole word. The good ones, the good titles and movies, clearly have a much deeper meaning than just the one word alone. The title is a place to attract the reader’s attention to finding out what a film is about. If an author chooses to use one word, you can imagine there must be a deeper meaning if only one word can do justice.

SPOILER: If you had any doubts yourself about the layers of the film, about what the real story line is really about, the last scene between Sister Aloysius and Sister James steadies your doubts. If any one saw it, PLEASE tell me what your thoughts on the last scene were!
While the script dragged at parts, the acting was stunning. I did not see Meryl Streep, Amy Adams, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and Viola Davis on the screen; but merely Sister Aloysius, Sister James, Father ____ and a mother.



Slumdog Millionaire Feb. 14th, 2009

A story of life in the slums of Mumbai, but of more than that the story of the lessons life can teach, even in the slums (or maybe especially in the slums). I personally enjoyed the movie as a movie a lot and would recommend it most. But I’m writing this not as a review, but more because I feel like a few things need to be clarified about India. A few comments I’ve heard from people who have seem the movie have me worried that they are getting the wrong impression of India through the movie.

This movie is about the slums in Mumbai. It probably is typical of the slums of Mumbai, just as certain American films are typical representations of the ghettos of NY. But would you want the rest of the world to think that America is like the ghettos of NY, as depicted in some film? I would hope not. So don’t judge all of India based on the depiction of the slums of Mumbai.

What you should get from the film is the idea that India is changing. The host of the show said that he grew up in the slums and was able to rise to be rich. The boy himself wins the money and changes his life, both financially and romantically. India’s new emerging middle class is growing and is depicted in the film. While approximately a third of the country still lies below the poverty line (dollar a day) according to the World Bank, that number is going down each year. Many are predicting the growth of India will only continue to get better. The middle class is growing and that middle class lives like many of us.

The film also briefly shows the violence between Hindus and Muslims, as the riots depicted. According to the World Book (on the CIA website) about 80% of the country is Hindu, 13% Muslim. Although Britain tried to separate the secular and Muslim governments (by creating the two separate nations of Pakistan and India), it has by no means dispelled the violence. During the partition, hundreds of thousands of Hindus and Muslims were killed in the transitioning/moving between India and Pakistan, not to mention leaving millions homeless. There have been three wars between Pakistan and India since. But the tension between Muslims and Hindus within India alone is huge. I heard several people in India mention that the tension between the major Muslim party and Hindu party keeps a lot of political progress from taking place, and also frequently leads to violence. The recent Mumbai attacks in November 2008 were just another example of the already high tension between the two religions and between the two countries. As I watched the news reports as the events of the attacks unfolded, many of the comments Indians were making sounded quite similar to the comments Americans were making after 9/11. If nothing else, imagine the tension we had after 9/11 and multiply that by a much longer history of tension, and you may slightly begin to understand the tension there.

Beyond the main character, many of the Indians in the film (his brother, the gangsters, etc) are depicted as sneaky, conniving and only looking out for number one. There are two points I wish to address here. First, we need to remember that they are a new democracy, with a new open market system. It takes a while for a strong middle class to arise, and while it’s arising the system can seem quite greedy and oftentimes cruel. If you look to our beginnings though, you will see many, many similar things. Many of the same behaviors and accusations were made about Americans in the beginning. The lesson should not be that most Indians are corrupt, but that it takes time for democracy and an open market system to work and spread through the population. They are adjusting to a system where they can finally move within the class structure. Second, while in India there were times were I would feel like the system is so corrupt and people were always looking for a way to take advantage. It would get really, really frustrating some times. But I also meet many, many Indians who were so helpful, and helped just to help. They gained nothing from it. From helping us learn how to use the money, to giving us directions, to translating for us when we couldn’t read things in Hindi, to simply just being friendly to some foreigners. Some of them were the friendliest people I’ve ever met. After a simple conversation they would consider you a friend and invite you to their home. I came across many wonderful and pleasant Indians. Do not think that all Indians are the way many are depicted in the film.

I think I’ve said enough here. But just remember that a movie is still just a movie. It may be the only impression or glimpse of Indian (or any place, topic for that matter) you have so far, but realize that’s all it is, is just an impression or glimpse.